College

Listen to this.

College.

I have mixed feelings about that word.

This is actually my second time trying to write this.  I just can’t quite get my thoughts organized.

Fall

I’m planning on going back full time to school for the Fall 09 semester [and my Grandma said, "Hallelujah!"].  I’m in a strange position.  This will mark my third school.  I want it to be a right fit.  I want it to be my last.

Why I stopped in the first place

I know I’ve written about this incessantly since it happened.  Yet, some people still don’t quite understand.  So I’m going to try to explain it in a concise paragraph.

Here it goes–

Life got pretty tricky for a while.  My dad had cancer; I could barely find the drive to go to class, let alone study; God was calling me.  All three worked a huge role in me dropping out the Fall of 08– what should have been the fall of my senior year.

I still can’t get it out in a way that makes sense.

So know this.  God was working on my sense of identity.  School, good grades, and intellect had been that for me.  Me quitting school was the final straw in giving up that identity.  These last nine months have been learning to take on a new one.  The identity of God’s child. Nothing. Else.  I am HIS.

Who is Travis Batista?

A child of the Creator of Heaven and Earth.  That’s who.

I no longer find my value in my grades, knowledge in my head, or compliments of my teachers.  At least that’s where I’m headed.

Also, I was not quitting school because I was convinced I was going on some wild goose chase as a missionary.  I probably gave that impression, but in my heart of hearts I knew that’s not what this whole thing was about.

Do I want to go on a mission trip overseas?

YES!

Do I feel a deeper compassion for mankind?

YES!

Do I think I’m called to the ministry?

Who me?

I can’t explain it, but I feel a greater capacity to love.  That’s what the Gospel is all about isn’t it?  Going to death and spreading life in the love that has been given to us.  That’s the will of God:  LIFE.  Jesus already gave that commission.  I just need to walk through the open doors.

I’m not sure that made sense.  I’m not sure why I felt like I needed anyone to know that but there it is.

Anxiety

I’m pretty nervous about going back.  My sophomore and junior years grew increasingly more lazy as time progressed.  My drive evaporated.   I already had enough of a problem with procrastination as it was.  By the end, I was earning my low Cs with everything in me.

That’s just not my style.  I was a straight A student.

It’s confusing.  My identity is no longer my grades, but I still want to, should want to, do the best I can.  The difference is that  it’s no longer to glorify Travis Batista.  Instead, I am glorifying my God.  I understand intellectually, but I don’t know that the change has been made in my heart.

I don’t even know that I can get back to that point of super overachiever student.  I never was that smart in the first place.  Any A I ever received was mostly elbow grease and sleepless nights.

Class of 05

As I stated before, this should have been my senior year.

I should have walked across a stage in a flowing robe accessorized with a foxy [I'm not sure why I chose foxy] box hat  and walked across the other side with a diploma.  Most of my friends of the class of 2005 DID do that.  It stings a little that I wasn’t with them.  I don’t regret my time off, but that doesn’t stop the stinging.

Where?

Donde?  Good question.

I have NO idea.  Basically anywhere and everywhere is an option.  I would like to stay in the Nashville area.  However, Nashville seems to offer nothing but private schools that cost an arm, liver, spleen, interstitial tissue, and leg [this list is thanks to my time as A&P teacher].  I am scared petrified when it comes to debt.  I don’t know if I can handle starting my career [as a teacher] 30k in debt.

Yet, it seems that Belmont is the suggestion of everyone and their Uncle Delmer [I really did have an Uncle Delmer.  He was a good man.].

Deadline

I don’t have that long to decide.  I’m not really giving myself a deadline, but for the sake of my sanity I would like to know by July.  So I guess I am giving my self that deadline.  It’s official.  I want to know where I’m going to school by July 1, 2009,  [incidentally, this is also my oldest sister's birthday].  This excites and terrifies me.

Major

Something that isn’t changing.  I’m still heading in the direction of History and Education.  My time working at WHCA definitely reassured me I want to teach.

Actually the plan I’ve been tossing around is to just get my History degree and finish off the education stuff after I start teaching.

Do they let you do that?

Yes.  I’ll have three years from the time I start teaching.  If I go private, I’m not obligated to get the education certification stuff [but it does make the getting hired a little a lot tougher].

Will I live at home?

You’re just full of good questions aren’t you?  I know I won’t stay at the “Monastery”.  It is a wonderful place, but not conducive to writing 10-20 page papers.

The truth is that I would like to move close to whatever school I will be attending.  I think I need it school wise.  Being close is very helpful.

I’m not great at commuting.  I know I could do better if I tried, but I don’t know if I want to do that again.  It felt sorta like death or one of his friends [Coldplay reference? Maybe.].

Otherwise, I feel like it would be a good experience for me.  I don’t mean that in “The College Experience” way either.  At least, not the go out and party because I don’t have Mama and Daddy to hold me responsible for my actions anymore.  I’m saying I will be standing on my own two feet, and I will no longer be a complete parasite.  I’m talking about the good kind of independence that a 21 year old should have and maybe I don’t.

Also, it’s not like I’m going to Mars.  Home will definitely be in driving distance.  Further, I have inroads with Christian friends every place I’m thinking about going.

Pray

Yes please.  I am.  I want to be at peace with the decision I make.  I want to glorify God in all I do.  He hasn’t failed me yet.

Travis

Post Script [Why not P.S.?  I was feeling fancy.]

I’m sorry for the poor grammar and organization.  This was really close to stream of consciousness for me.  I’m no Faulkner.  Just Kidding.  I hope a English person laughs at that.  I’m such a nerd.