What I meant to say
The other day I wrote about my current discomfort with my life. I wrote that blog at 3 am which just so happens to be the worst time for me to blog. But tonight I was reading through my journal, and I found one I wrote just after I got back from Ethiopia. This is what I was trying to say.
Although, I may be a little less hopeful now, but we’ll just blame that on Finals week.
Thursday, August 17, 2010 2:05 pm
These last few days I’ve felt like I’m in no man’s land. I’ve been off work, but I haven’t had anything to do. I hate it. I’m sick of just looking for something to entertain me.
It’s hard to know anything after this trip. My life seems so pointless in so many ways. The big picture is there, but the details are no where to be found. The small things in life speak to quenching my selfish thirsts and wants.
I don’t know how much of my life is supposed to be pregnant with meaning and purpose. Expecting every second to be brimming with world changing actions might be a little unfair. But in contrast, laying around the house for 48 hours because I’m not exactly sure what I should be doing feels a little contrary to plan.
I don’t know what my purpose is, especially now. There are so many people hurting in the world, and there are so many people unwilling to do anything about it. I’ve met some of the hurting. I ate dinner with them. I heard their stories. I laughed with them. I wrapped them in the most loving embrace possible. And then I left. I can’t wrap my brain around it.
I know there are people hurting here. I know that they need to be ministered to as well, but why can’t all the wet blankets help them?
I’ve really been having a hard time seeing how it’s all going to come together–the kingdom, the church, my life, all of it. It seems so desperate. There is so much pain, suffering, and death in this world. Jesus, your Gospel has to be true. God you have to be real. Otherwise there is no way this world is going to make it.
God, we need you. This place is messed up and the more we try to fix it, the worse it gets.
What’s my place in all of this? I can’t imagine what the next couple of years look like. I don’t have a plan. Lord, take my life. Take it all. Make of it what you can. Light my path. Help me to trust you more. Create in me the life you desire. I want to be yours.
Good post, lad. I believe the more honest and open with how you really are feeling instead of burying it under false pretense is beautiful. The questions and feelings you’ve expressed here, as heavy as they may make you feel, is what is awaking you and will drive you to action. I know it. It is in you. But you are not a God’s puppet. There are no strings attached but to your heart where He guides you. The rest, the action and plight, is yours.
cb